The Hardest Decision in my Life
Posted: Saturday, July 23, 2011
by Jessie I Snyder
TRUE INSPIRATIONS
My daughter Deondra Mae Snyder was born November 23, 1987. Shortly after her birth she tested positive for the HIV virus. By the time she was four years old her disease had progressed into full-blown AIDS. All through her life she was in and out of the hospital with different kinds of pneumonia’s and other illnesses.
Then in 1999 she developed shingles they covered her body from her neck down to the soles of her feet. It was the worst case of shingles the doctors had ever seen. Her quality of life had become so poor that she wasn’t really living, just existing. She was receiving platelet infusions every other day. She was being fed through a feeding tube in her stomach. She had lost control of all her bodily functions and was wearing diapers again like when she was a newborn baby. She was so weak and frail that she could barely sit up on her own. It saddened me to see my baby girl suffering so much.
So in January 2000 I signed the do not resuscitate order, and waited for my baby girl to die. Then on January 26, 2000 the day came she was dying. Her breathing became slow and shallow and then she stopped breathing at all. She went to sleep and never woke up. For years after that I blamed myself for my daughter’s death. Had I made the right decision? Should I have let her live on a machine? I was being tormented with the guilt that maybe if I had not signed the do not resuscitate order that my daughter would be alive today. Then I remembered the last time I saw her. She was lying there looking up toward the heavens with a smile on her face. It was then I realized that I had made the right decision.
Through the years a lot of people blamed me for my daughter’s death including my husband. But until you are faced with a decision of this magnitude you cannot possibly understand what I went through. It broke my heart to sign the do not resuscitate order but it also broke my heart to see my baby girl suffer so much. If I had to do it all over again I believe that I would have made the same decision. I know that my daughter is in heaven watching over me, smiling down upon me. She is my guardian angel, May her soul rest in peace. I know that one day I will see her again when I enter those golden gates of heaven. She will be right there to welcome me in.
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)Jessie, this is such a heart-wrenching story. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've never been able to imagine what it's like to lose a child. I really appreciate you sharing this with us.Thank you for allowing me to share as this helps me to deal with the grief of losing my only biological child. I hope to inspire others with my stories. I feel that is what God intended for me to do. I believe that this is my calling in life. Writing is not just a hobby for me it is my passion.
hi jessie,
you certainly have had your share of the darker side of this earth. hopefully, you'll see the lighter side as well. i'm sorry for your loss, and so much pain that came with it.
you have a lot to write about, and i will be reading,
my best,
sueThanks Sue, I do see a lot of the brighter side of life in fact I just got my own apartment and I am moving out on my own again. I am very excited I will also be going back to school in August and then the best thing that has happened in my life recently was becoming a SearchWarp author with all the caring people to give me such positive feedback. Thanks to you and all my SearchWarp family.
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